10 Things You NEVER Say to APs

Adapted from an article by adoptive mom Tracy Hahn-Burkett

 

10 Things You NEVER Say to Adoptive Parents

(Especially in front of their kids)

Is it difficult to love a child who isn’t your own?

My child is my own.

Yes, I know what you mean, and I repeat:  my child is my own.  Please don’t ask that again.



I could never love someone who doesn’t share my biology.

I’m sorry your heart is so limited. …And your brain is so disconnected, because (in case you didn't know) your spouse doesn’t share your biology either.

I will also say this:  the only people qualified to comment on whether or not the love one has for their biological child is (or isn't) the same as the love one has for their adoptive child, is someone who has BTDT.   And adoption statistics show that parents with both biological and adopted children all say that they feel the same love for each of their children; that there is absolutely no difference in their feelings or perceptions.  So please stop insisting that you know there's a difference.

 

Your baby is so lucky.

If there are adoptive parents who haven’t heard this one, I don’t know them. Yes, my adopted child is lucky, just like any kid blessed with a good family (biologically or adopted) is lucky.  Moreover, my husband and I are lucky to have been blessed with such an awesome son.



Adopting must be so much easier than having the child yourself.

Clearly, you have never adopted a child.  What exactly do you think is easy about it?

Is it the hundreds of questions prospective adoptive parents have to answer along the path to adoption, questions that go to the heart of what kind of people they are and dissect every aspect of their lives? Is it committing to a lifetime of knowing that at anytime from toddlerhood through adulthood, your child may come to you with wrenching questions about his or her origins and your answers may never quite be satisfactory? Is it knowing that the very fact that your child is yours means that somewhere a woman will probably grieve every day of her life for the child she could not raise? Is it missing the early months, sometimes years, of your child’s life? Is it telling your child when he or she asks to see baby pictures, "Sorry, I don’t have any"?   Or is it the countless (many times judgmental) unnecessary questions by strangers and acquaintances alike?  I could go on, but you get the point.



Who is his "real" mother?  Was she a drug addict or prostitute or something?

I’m his "real" mother, and so far as I can recall, I have never been a drug addict or prostitute.


 
What kind of a person would give up such a beautiful, sweet child?

I personally hate this comment, and I know a few adult adoptees who flinch every time they hear it.

In general, a birth mother’s options tend to be limited in ways you have never even had to imagine. They are usually not bad, immoral people. Very few, if any, birthmothers who relinquish their children do so lightly. For most it is a searing, heartbreaking decision that will haunt them forever. Also, please understand that when you say things about my child’s birthmother, you are commenting about the woman who gave my child life, whom I appreciate more than you can ever understand (she had a choice and chose life when there are so many “easier” options available than carrying a child for nine months). I will be grateful to her forever.   And, just FYI, no adoptee thinks its a compliment to be reminded that someone "gave them up".


 
People who adopt children from other countries just don’t want black or brown babies.

Lets educate:   Now I don't know every adoptive parent, but none I know chose international adoption because they didn’t like or want a black or brown or "dark" baby (just FYI, a large number of countries involved in international adoption are African, Caribbean, South Asian, or Latin American). There are many more restrictions involved in domestic adoptions, and the risk of a birth mother changing her mind, even months after placement, are exponentially greater as the laws in America generally favor the birth parent. Not that I have a problem with that, but it does make things very risky for an adoptive parent. Also, the wait for a baby through the domestic adoption process is generally much much longer. The systems of international and domestic adoption differ in fundamental ways, and most parents who choose to adopt educate themselves thoroughly and then pick the program that is best for them.  International adoption was the right choice for my family.


 
Why did you choose Korea?
 
Simple answer: Because that’s where my baby was.
 
Complex answer: A large number of factors impact a parent’s decision to adopt from one country vs another. There are also rules and regulations that govern adoption, and many times those rules and regulations play a crucial part in a parent’s decision making process, along with personal preferences, and the inner workings of a specific country’s adoption program. Each adoptive parent weighs these factors and makes the choice that’s best for their family.



Asian adoptee ≠ Chinese baby

Not every adopted Asian child is Chinese.  And no, it’s not “you know what I mean”. You wouldn’t want to be called something you were not… neither would I....neither would he. And by-the-by, my 7 month old baby doesn’t speak fluent Korean. I don’t know about you, but I have never heard of any baby that is fluent in any language…. as a baby. That’s just funny.



How much did he cost?

Okay, listen very carefully -- my child is NOT a melon. I did not pick him up at the grocery store.

Adoption fees are in place to support the process of adopting a child, eg. full time foster care, medical support, document processing, travel costs, etc. If you truly want to learn more about the financial aspect of the adoption process, I will be happy to discuss that with you. If you’re only interested in knowing this (or anything else) in order to pass judgment, it’s none of your business.



 
I want you to understand two major take-aways from this article:

(1) you are talking about my child.  My baby.  And just like any other mother I am fiercely protective of him.  Do not ask intrusive questions that you would not want to answer about your own child.

...And (2), most women don't usually discuss their reproductive organs with strangers...so don't ask if I can or can't have kids - that's just rude.  (FYI, don't assume that all adoptive parents are unable to have biological children. Although this is sometimes the case, many many times it is not.) 
 
So think before you talk, choose your words carefully, and try to be sensitive and supportive  --  or you may find yourself facing a very angry mama bear.


   
Adapted from an article by adoptive mom Tracy Hahn-Burkett for the blog Then Came You!