Human

 
Truly I am only human. I know there are many who sometimes see me with a cape on my back because I try to be forever positive, or because I never like to admit defeat.... either way its not the truth. I am not super-human, I'm just human. And as a human I can admit defeat, which is what I feel today....defeated. Defeated and without much hope. There, I said it.
  
I have never place my life on hold for anything. Shoot, it is quite normal for me to have 4 or 5 (or even 6) projects going at one time, while successfully keeping them all in order and on target. But this complete lack of control that I feel in a seemingly out of control process called International Adoption has done me in. And after 3 years of research, 23 months since initial application, and 11 and 1/2 months waiting since referral (yes, it's been almost A YEAR since we recieved our referral and were told we'd travel in about 4 months), all the while watching friends who adopted domestically bring their babies home, begin a 2nd adoption, and bring those babies home... I am very ready to admit defeat and throw in the towel. 
  
There is little else to say. I do not know anyone who would pay so handsomely to be put through this particular form of torture... but that is how I feel, as though I paid someone very generously to repeatedly torture me.
  
This blog is nearing its end…. as is my strength, my peace, and my patience. I can feel it.