Usually things end... uhhh, well… at the end. This adoption blog however, has the unfortunate privilege of ending smack dab in the middle.
All documents filed...
All monies paid...
Every check-box checked (on our end anyway).
But no EP, no TC... and no post placement. Because after 11 and a 1/2 months of waiting with no baby in sight, and a recent agency update stating that they confirmed no EPs will be filed during the next few weeks through mid-March, well... I have to ask myself "why bother?"
This blog was a way to chronologically document the wonderful and amazing journey to bring home our baby boy - I was going to turn it into a book! But as of today I have spent many more months writing about pain, and longing, and stress, and disappointment, and worry, than anything joyous at all. Who wants that on their coffee table? For that matter, the use of the word "baby" is a bit of a joke since the "baby" in question, who was 7 months old at referral, is now a walking, talking, solid food eating, almost 2 years old boy, who for all I know, may also be able to do long division and drive a car.
No, now that we know for sure our wait will bleed into (and well past) the One Year marker highlighting the 1st anniversary of our referral; that this landmark will present itself long before we would even be submitted for EP; that No One can (or is willing to) confirm when it will all end; I think its high time to begin regaining control of my life: to stop neglecting my assistants and my clients, to actively seek new business, and to take my world off of the "pause" button its been on since receiving our March 2011 referral. And in case you're wondering, I do not know what we'll do about the fact that 'growing' our still-to-be-started family has been placed on extended hold with little regard on the impact this extended hold will have on our future, but I plan to start a discussion about it with my husband sometime today. I must also accept that EP will only come if and when the government allows - the same with my son, and since I have zero control over that I must instead focus on what I can control... my life, my home, my job, or risk being stuck in this never ending downward spiral of dark depressing negative emotion.
Its sad because never in a million years did I think when I started, that this was how my blog would end. Please… I thought that sometime during June or July of 2011 (yes, that would be last year), I would have filled these pages with pictures and videos of two nervous 1st time parents in Seoul with one chubby cutie-pie baby boy. Unfortunately God had other plans… And who knows, maybe if and when things ever picked back up I may end up writing an ending to this very long, frustrating story... but right now I doubt it. Because the sad truth is that we (all of us frontrunners currently waiting) may not travel until after the laws change in August (if at all), and by then (after what could well be over 18 months of waiting) I am certain no one would voluntarily want to read any of the words I’d have to say. Am I being cynical? Yes! But I'm also being a realist. People may say don't be so negative, but the truth is that my potential travel date has moved from June/July 2011 to August 2011, to October 2011, to January/February 2012, to March 2012, to now April/May 2012... you see the pattern? I'd be insane not to plan for August.
Does that make me bitter? Maybe. Does it make me angry? Yes! To keep lifting a person's hopes and expectations, month after month after month, only to dash them to pieces time and again at two week intervals, is nothing short of cruel. And to expect any parent to retain a happy perky forgiving "kumbaya" attitude is incomprehensible. The most disgusting part of it all is how often it feels as though our parenting skills are judged based on how many sucker punches we can take without flinching or complaining, so one feels compelled to "suffer in silence" so to speak, or risk being harshly judged or ratted out to the "authorities" who may very well have the power to place our entire adoption in jeopardy should they choose. It seems very unfair.
And as I start online shopping for yet another care package, I begin to wonder, once my son makes it home, if I would change my feelings on the need for an adption processing overhaul: like a pregnant woman after delivery who forgets her labor pains once her child is in her arms. Who knows? But from where I sit today, I doubt it. Even if news of EP submissions came tomorrow, I doubt it. Even if I were miraculously granted travel before the end of the month, I doubt it. The veil has been lifted, my eyes opened. There may be many good people out there trying to do good works, but when its wrapped up in miles of red tape its leaves countless loose ends on which far to many of us get hung out to dry. Maybe I'll do very basic updates... that way someone may still benefit from my timeline.
So, for those who found this blog hoping for more insight into the world of International Adoption, well, there you have it. This is also what International Adoption can be like… the good, the bad, and the very ugly. I know there are a few APs out there who are never grumpy or angry, who would probably be appalled at my writings, but I say unless you've walked a mile in my shoes...
If you are a reader considering international adoption and still have unanswered questions you'd like me to address feel free to email me at your convenience. It's not all bad, but its not all sunshine and roses either.
Take care my friends!
